Lost to sleep

I cannot sleep.  Drowsy allergy medicine, NyQuil, I took way more than a patience needs, however, I am not sick, but still they don't help me to sleep.

My mind has too much, but my heart is empty and lonely.  It seems like nothing can take away the things from my mind, nothing can fill my heart up.

I cried again.  I wish my tear drops can take my things out of my mind.  I wish my tear can build the connection to bring the things going into my heart. 

I just sat in the park for two hours holding a hot cocoa. It got cold gradually.  I thought of my Heavenly Father.  I missed him.  I wanted to go back to him.  Because He is the only will always love me.

I asked him if I chose to end my life at that moment, could I still come back to him?
He did not answer me.

Crying was gone.  I was exhausted.  I got tired. I went home. I hoped I could sleep.

Where was my pillow? Where was my blanket? Where was my buddy?
I guess I could not find them.

The terrible feeling

What do you think?

It is...when the people who you care the most, you love the most, and you trust the most don't trust you.

The time to move on

We cannot lie to ourselves when things are changed.

We hope for going back, but it can never be possible.

We can feel it; we can know by our heart.

That is our feeling; that is how it works.

A quote from a TV show that is really true, "The sooner you realize that is never gonna go back to the way it was, the sooner you can move on."

Keep In Mind

I forgot something.  That was a huge mistake that I always made.
Sometimes, things are going better does not mean that it could be last forever.

I could have be happier if I could have been always remember this:
Don't ask for something that I do not deserve it.  Get over myself.  There should be no begging for the things which I should not have.

Lost? No, I gained!

I have a really good friend, I regard him as my family!

In the local culture here, I assume everyone can be a very good friend as we all are good people, we have the same moral standard.  But sometimes it could be too general, does it make sense?

This friend is pretty much one of those here I trust the most.  He is the only one here knows my family background and what I have been going through.  As I said, I trust him a lot.  We are willing to support each other no matter what we are going through.  There is always room for each other to have a buddy chat!

Things have changed! Good old time is not anymore! I guess I just lost this wonderful friend!
Perhaps I did not lose anything when I got something back.

Yeah, actually, I did not lose.  However, I gained two-word title. 
I used to be a friend; now I am a back up friend.

Second floor

Quiet, extremely quiet; you will be even worried if you cough, or open your zip bag, or even breath.

That is the second floor of the library.

I never like this floor, but now I am here. I hide my head at the corner of the desk starring at my computer; my eye balls do not even move. They are dry and tired.

However, I am still here at the second floor.

courage and shame

After my class this morning, I just really did not want to go back to my apartment; I did not want to talk to anyone. I was trying to find a place where no one knew.  Well, it was not possible at all.

I was thinking maybe I could hide in the crowd.  I decided to go to the library. Plugged in my music. Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" was playing along.  It had been a while since the last time.  This time I felt the music and the lyrics more.  My mind was wandering. It took me back to the conversation that I had with Ashley about seeing the counselor.  I was kinda hesitated to do so.  I didn't like reveal my problem to others as I always believed that I could fix my problem on my own.  At least all my past experiences could prove me right.  But, I thought this time I finally put down my pride. 

Walked from the chair in the library, my steps were frightened.  It took me a lot of courage to walk to the counseling center by myself.  I saw some people there. They looked happy.  Why were they there?
 
I did not trust student employee; I was glad the receptionist was not. There was a questionnaire regarding the symbols if the patients had.  "Tempting to commit suicide...feeling sad all the time...", these kinds of wording made me crazy.  Why was I doing that? I knew I had to do it. I was mad at myself why I needed to go there.

When I left, I felt shame. I felt disgusting. I could not believe that I failed myself. 

I do not like the one I am now.

After a couple of hours, I got a call from a counselor.  He asked me if I was threatened as I checked the symbol that he concerned the most.  He decided to put me on a higher priority list.

I guess I will face the things I don't want to deal with soon...

Blank

Sometimes I could not stop wondering and asking myself, "Am I crazy!"
I have realized that the way I think, the sight I see the world, the emotion I have, and the way I act around people are not something I can even comprehend anymore.  Since the terrible childhood experience that how my parents were falling apart and how I was put into a place that I did not even want to be, I feel that that wound can never be recovered.
I need to declare that anything I say here is nothing about my religion, I love my religion, every teaching from my religion is true.
Anyway, I used think I could have a new life that can help me to forget everything in the past, of course the feeling as well.  Especially since being here in school, I thought I could handle myself better.  However, it is not true.
My depression is killing me. I am hurted.  I really don't have any motivation to seek for help anymore, which I should I guess.  Trying to take sleeping pill more and more was the thing that could help me for a little bit. But it ended up did not work anymore. Sometimes my mind just told me to take all at once.
I have a lot doubts about people around me.  I have been spending and paying a lot of effort to trust, however, what I get is a lot of disappointment.  I try to blame myself for being able to follow the crowd and be in it.  Why is my mind that strong enough to tell me that I have depressing and I am always standing right between my crying and my laughing.  I wish, I wish I am very weak, weak enough to let me depression take whatever I should do and wherever I should go.
My mind is here and there, up and down. Last months I was very happy about everything, but now at this point, I feel like I just fell off from a cliff and be trapped in a dark valley.  I don't want to have any feeling.
Yes, I do have a lot of thoughts that I wanna end my life. Of course, prayer does help me a lot; no one can understand and be willing to listen to what my heart says.
I am tired of telling others about how I feel; what is the different about to tell or not to tell?
I just don't want to trust anyone anymore. Really, a lot of disappointment!
Perhaps I am very selfish, yeah, I guess I am.  I can't help with it.  I still hope for people can understand me sometimes, perhaps I should not.
My heart is painful. Why should I keep going on!
people you trust the most, they can really hurt you the most.

"you can dance alone"

"You can dance alone" is line from a movie; I don't even remember what movie.  Probably any movie. I have been thinking about being single a lot.  I don't have a conclusion that if I really want to get married or not.  Everyone is looking for getting married.  I am still figuring what I want.

I wish someone can just tell me what I should do; of course that person must be someone who I can trust.  I don't want to sound like I am prideful person, but sometimes, most of the time I am really good at making my own decision.  I like listening to advice from others but I do not think I will apply it anyway. Well, just listen.

I do get bored easily. I wished I would never have that many friends.  I don't like when I start relying on others, and then I act like a kid.  I always act like I am a teenager, or even a child.  I guess it is because I did not have a childhood experience.  I missed that foundation of being an adult, a grow up man.  I mess up, I know.  I forget whom I am.  My heart is empty.  I wish friendship can really last forever.  However, people do change.  I change as well.  I want more.  When I am getting older and older, I feel like I need more and more. I begin to become the one I don't want to be.  Very annoying.  I am disgusted by myself.

Be brave! Don't be afraid to dance alone! The culture is not going to accept it, but why do I care? 
Like what I say before, I love my friends too much! It is very hard to move on by myself.
I wish I can leave and never look back.

So much fun! I love my friends!

Oh my...I can't believe that I did not write anything throughout the entire semester!
Well, I was too busy on school, a lot of achievement this semester.  The video projects were amazing! I was also too busy on hanging with my friends!
Joseph keeps being amazing even though I don't agree with his dating attitude!
Brooks is just so nice to me all the time; our thoughts are quite similar!
Ashley became my sister this semester, a lot of fun time to talk everything!
Blakeley, oh my, I don't know what is she smoking, we are buddy!
Paige, keep disappointing me! in a good way!
Brooke, she is awesome, a very thoughtful friend!
Adam, my Chinese buddy! But he is not Chinese!
Simon, I thought he was too cool to hang out; well, we hung out a lot! Overnight study buddy, of course very good friend as well!
Ben, I like to call him "Bin"!  I only knew him for half semester, super good friend already! soccer buddy, i guess!
Ryan, please stop study to much and hang out with us! he is cool!
Jason, why are you so cool!
Still have a lot of friends, they are all just great! But those I mentioned above were the group I hung out the most this past semester!
Can I just say, I love you all! Thank you for being friends of mine!

I believe I can fly

I like the title for here today!  I know I can do better! Flying to me doesn't mean necessarily to fly in the sky, of course I would not mind I have a skill to do it. 

The last three months were an exhausted time for me; I tried all the things I could to in order to make my life better.  Things were going too extreme.  I need a break.  This week has been a good break for me.  Hanged out with two of my wonderful friends, Joseph and Brooks, is a blessing for me.  You should get to know them.  Because of them, my life is back to the way I have been longing for.  I am absolutely getting closer to be the one I used to be, which I have been talking about for a while. 

Lok Yee's testimony did even remind me that I need to better, I mean much better.  How much I love this adorable girl as my younger sister!  Seeing Liu Ling and Ethan, those I taught on my mission, are so active in church is my motivation to be a real missionary again; not only for two years, but a life long commitment to my Heavenly Father and myself.

Period, is a symbol for me to use after the last entire year which I thought I was emotionally connected with a girl I had admired.  Everything is over; no more new low.  I am ready to fly, to fly to a better place where the Lord has prepared for me in the life. 

New Try

I have been bored lately.  Since being here in Rexburg for over a year and a half, it is really the time for me to try new things.  School work is not a challenge to me anymore; I know how to arrange my time to learn and to study.  Social life here is not something new to me anymore; people here just do the same thing, follow the same routine on their connections with others.  I don't enjoy always having conversation only about girls and dating.  Life has so many other things to discuss and to talk about, of course, and to spend time to think about.

I like travelling; I haven't been able to travel a lot though.  I had been in London, Taiwan, some cities in China, Seattle, Texas, L.A., San Diego, haha, of course Utah and Idaho.  I love all these places, if I have a chance, I will for sure go back again. 

Recently I have been thinking about going to London again.  I am not a super fan of tour spot; I like to see but I rather spending time on observing people and things.  Talking to strangers is my favourite thing to do when I travel.  So many stories are behind.  I want to know, I want to explore as many things as I can.  The last time I went to London was about eight years ago.  I worked there for a week.  I remember every night after work, I took the underground to go everywhere near by London.  Walked alone among the crowd of people.  The double decks were classic.  Most of the people there knew how to dress.  The modern city attached with the old style of construction was a good mixed.  The taste there was unique.  I enjoyed so much walking alone there at night.  The rain was a bonus to me, even though I didn't like raining a lot. 

It was eight years ago; my first time on a plane, my first time to be away from home to another country.  There was any word could well describe the excitement I had.  I found myself during those five night.  I loved it.  I realized I was a traveler.  It has been almost ten years since then.  I grew and changed a lot.  I always wonder if I can go there again, how will I feel?  I want to find myself.  There is a good place for me to go again; same place, same person but different attitude.  If I don't go there again, I will never know if I do truly
love that place, where I found myself. 

I should give myself a chance to try again.  It is a new experience for the now me.  At least I know that I am learning how to be the now me under the current circumstance. 

Exit

Just too many things lately; big or small.  A couple of days ago, I told one of buddies, Brooks, a lot of things in my mind.  Just for about 30 minutes, I felt like I had already told him my entire stage of mind of my life.

Since this semester, I came to build up my passion on playing volleyball again. During this period of time, I went through many process: getting hurt, being humble to learn, taking it seriously on every game, being invited to play, and being left out.  I don't wanna go through the details, because it is already enough for me to learn a lesson: it doesn't matter how much effort you make, in reality, if you are not good enough, you will be kicked out. 

If I can find an exit, I will absolutely run away through that door.  I always want to run away, especially I don't want be in the place I am living now.  If I say it out loud, probably someone will just ask me to change the way I think.  Excuse me!  Can you listen to me first before asking me to do more?  Tell you what, people do change a lot, even just within a few weeks, more than you can comprehend.  I need to find that exit in my mind.

I decided to move forward.  I wrote a letter, but for which I haven't sent out.  I don't have any expectation; I just hope that no matter what I am going to do, she will not feel being trouble.  I still need to put some more thoughts in that letter before sending it out.  I don't want if there is any misunderstanding.  It has been too long, my mind began to get exhausted.  The last few times I saw her, she was too distracted, that bothered me.  If I can use a word to describe myself, I will use "nothing"; I am nothing.

The crowd

I just read the blog that I wrote last time; yeah, I need to remember that I want to be the person I used to be. But today, things were droving me crazy!  I hate when I feel like here a place for me to complain, at least this is not really my purpose to write here.

I am a Mormon, but somewhat I just don't fit in the subculture here.  Here are two dating couples, they made  their relationships officially to us very soon.  Suddenly, the people here are like crazy to rush themselves to pick up someone.  This atmosphere does really scare me. WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE GET THE WRONG IDEA FROM THE LEADERS???  Can we be human being rather than animal sometimes? I apologize if this question is too intense; it is how I feel anyway.

People misinterpret the meaning of relationship by their actions here.  People can be in relationship after a conversation.  Barrett once told me that he wants to find someone who is precious.  I agree with it. That is what I am looking for.  I don't buy the culture here.  Please don't expect me to follow.  I respect what they do but it doesn't mean I agree with it.

Perhaps it is something what I need to know, but for sure not what I need to learn.

I love thee, Heavenly Father, whatever thou has given me

I enjoyed of the testimony so much in church today! Most of them were very sincerely; I felt the spirit very strong.  The priesthood lesson was great too.  I felt somehow it was talking to me, which meant I still had a lot I had to make change.

Am I a good person? What do others think of me? Nice, easy going, cool.....these are the words I hear the most from others.  What I see myself are: prideful, short temper, impatient...etc.   I still haven't been able to let myself be.  There is always something holding me back.  Why I can only be a "B+" person? I want "A".

Father in Heaven, do you know how much how I am grateful to get to know you? I am truly blessed to understand you have a plan for me.  Also, thank you for sending thy only begotten son, Jesus Christ, to atone for my sins.  It always seem like I had never got the best thing in my life.  I had never had a good family, never had a true buddy, girls are always shown up at the right timing.  But, Father, I am willing to learn from these kinds of tribulations.  I know there is always something good which I can look for. 

Just please don't leave me alone.  If it is thou will, please lead me to wherever thou wants me to be.
I guess, I don't really want to ask for anything. I mean ANYTHING, from others anymore.  I will try to learn how to change the way I think.  Just love no matter what. Just service no matter what.

Pick up back the one who I used to be.  Shy, quiet, still, silence and lonely.
I really like you, my dream girl, the far away you.  I love you all, my friends; I know I might not be the one you always think of, but you all should know that I am always here to support whenever you need me.

Distance

Distance, what a good word to mention about my relationships or connections with friends, family and also the one I like.

People are always just like coming and going in my life.  I have tons of good and great friends, more than I can comprehend sometimes.  I am not saying about that I don't have time to hang out with each of them.  Instead, it is more about who I can truly share my story to; of course, they also show the interested to listen, to understand and to know as well.

I don't want to tell anyone; I try my best to escape from the eyes of others. I don't want them to know that I am not doing alright.  I am willing to admit here, I am not happy.  The longer the distance between me and those who I love and I care, the deeper the emptiness swallows me.  It could possibly my depression.  I used to not telling people about it. I don't like it.  It exhausts me.  I don't want talk to people.  I don't find my existence among people.  The world is willing to listen to those who don't even care about how others feel but except themselves.  Will the world listen to me?

I care about people, I care about their feelings, but the world doesn't hear me. 

I am discouraged when I hear my heart beating; because here is too quiet and cold.  I hear well to any movement of my body.  This quietness is also swallowing me.

I remember I have said before already; I really want to leave.  I want to go to a place where nobody knows me.  So that I can be selfish, but this kind of selfishness will not bother anyone, because I don't know anyone; they don't know me either.

I want to give up; I am just very tired.  My adaptability is weaker than it used to be.  My smile is fake; I don't even want to look at the mirror.

I was once asked about the purpose of my life.  Nine years ago, I answered without any doubt; I said I wanted to be happy.  Now, I still want it.  I want to have it. 

What am I thinking?

She

Yesterday when I tried to post this video, and then the mouse of the computer didn't work, that's why there were only the words"she" on my post.
Julia Roberts is absolutely my all time favorite actress; especially in the movie, Notting Hill, one of my favorite movies, for sure this movie did demonstrate the charm of her; she is such a star, so beautiful, so talented! Also, this movie was filmed in London, one of my favorite places on earth, everything was just perfect together!

I like the lyrics of this song very much, very classic! Haha…it does remind me of my dream girl. Yup, I have to admit that she is like a star to me.
Enjoy of this song!

She

Please come soon, Spring.

This winter seems too long for me. I just can't wait for the spring! I will even just play more.
Half of this semester is nearly over, I just remember that I have worked a lot and played a lot of sports.

Life is just great! Being able to play my favourite sport, volleyball, a lot so far in this semester is blessing to me. I know I am not good, but I do really have passion on play this sport.  Gladly, I have a friend, Barrett, he is really good at playing it and he is so willing to coach me once a week in order to improve my basic skill.

I am happy. Things are clearer in my mind.  Many good friends I can talk to.  They are all very supportive to me; they are very patient to my attitude about life. Also, I am happy because I came to remember something which is very precious. To love is to sacrifice your own will to give without asking for any return. I have fear, but I will give whatever it takes!  When I was making a gift during the week before valentine's day, I kinda asked myself, "Why am I donig this?" I know that many of friends around thought that I was paying too much effort for something which beyond the position I was in.  However, I just wanted the one who received that gift would be happy.  Perhaps, I will get nothing in return, I know I will be sad, but as long as she is happy, that will mean the most to me.  Of course, I know I will do whatever it takes to make her happy.

Lost

I never really watched the TV show Lost.  But I remember there was a group of people stucking on an island.  Can the relationships be simple when a group of people try to survive with limited resources on the island? 

I strive to be simple all the time; I learned a quote from a TV show, let me just paraphrase, "Sometimes I don't know who I am, but I do exactly know who I am not."  I don't know how to deal with these kinds of signals.  Sometimes the weather is too warm, sometimes it is too cold.  That's why I am easy to get cold!

Hope it will never become a storm, but maybe it will at least be an extreme moment.
Even though it will be still afterward, it will bring the movement again.