Monday, February 28, 2011

Distance

Distance, what a good word to mention about my relationships or connections with friends, family and also the one I like.

People are always just like coming and going in my life.  I have tons of good and great friends, more than I can comprehend sometimes.  I am not saying about that I don't have time to hang out with each of them.  Instead, it is more about who I can truly share my story to; of course, they also show the interested to listen, to understand and to know as well.

I don't want to tell anyone; I try my best to escape from the eyes of others. I don't want them to know that I am not doing alright.  I am willing to admit here, I am not happy.  The longer the distance between me and those who I love and I care, the deeper the emptiness swallows me.  It could possibly my depression.  I used to not telling people about it. I don't like it.  It exhausts me.  I don't want talk to people.  I don't find my existence among people.  The world is willing to listen to those who don't even care about how others feel but except themselves.  Will the world listen to me?

I care about people, I care about their feelings, but the world doesn't hear me. 

I am discouraged when I hear my heart beating; because here is too quiet and cold.  I hear well to any movement of my body.  This quietness is also swallowing me.

I remember I have said before already; I really want to leave.  I want to go to a place where nobody knows me.  So that I can be selfish, but this kind of selfishness will not bother anyone, because I don't know anyone; they don't know me either.

I want to give up; I am just very tired.  My adaptability is weaker than it used to be.  My smile is fake; I don't even want to look at the mirror.

I was once asked about the purpose of my life.  Nine years ago, I answered without any doubt; I said I wanted to be happy.  Now, I still want it.  I want to have it. 

What am I thinking?

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