Lost to sleep

I cannot sleep.  Drowsy allergy medicine, NyQuil, I took way more than a patience needs, however, I am not sick, but still they don't help me to sleep.

My mind has too much, but my heart is empty and lonely.  It seems like nothing can take away the things from my mind, nothing can fill my heart up.

I cried again.  I wish my tear drops can take my things out of my mind.  I wish my tear can build the connection to bring the things going into my heart. 

I just sat in the park for two hours holding a hot cocoa. It got cold gradually.  I thought of my Heavenly Father.  I missed him.  I wanted to go back to him.  Because He is the only will always love me.

I asked him if I chose to end my life at that moment, could I still come back to him?
He did not answer me.

Crying was gone.  I was exhausted.  I got tired. I went home. I hoped I could sleep.

Where was my pillow? Where was my blanket? Where was my buddy?
I guess I could not find them.

The terrible feeling

What do you think?

It is...when the people who you care the most, you love the most, and you trust the most don't trust you.

The time to move on

We cannot lie to ourselves when things are changed.

We hope for going back, but it can never be possible.

We can feel it; we can know by our heart.

That is our feeling; that is how it works.

A quote from a TV show that is really true, "The sooner you realize that is never gonna go back to the way it was, the sooner you can move on."

Keep In Mind

I forgot something.  That was a huge mistake that I always made.
Sometimes, things are going better does not mean that it could be last forever.

I could have be happier if I could have been always remember this:
Don't ask for something that I do not deserve it.  Get over myself.  There should be no begging for the things which I should not have.

Lost? No, I gained!

I have a really good friend, I regard him as my family!

In the local culture here, I assume everyone can be a very good friend as we all are good people, we have the same moral standard.  But sometimes it could be too general, does it make sense?

This friend is pretty much one of those here I trust the most.  He is the only one here knows my family background and what I have been going through.  As I said, I trust him a lot.  We are willing to support each other no matter what we are going through.  There is always room for each other to have a buddy chat!

Things have changed! Good old time is not anymore! I guess I just lost this wonderful friend!
Perhaps I did not lose anything when I got something back.

Yeah, actually, I did not lose.  However, I gained two-word title. 
I used to be a friend; now I am a back up friend.

Second floor

Quiet, extremely quiet; you will be even worried if you cough, or open your zip bag, or even breath.

That is the second floor of the library.

I never like this floor, but now I am here. I hide my head at the corner of the desk starring at my computer; my eye balls do not even move. They are dry and tired.

However, I am still here at the second floor.

courage and shame

After my class this morning, I just really did not want to go back to my apartment; I did not want to talk to anyone. I was trying to find a place where no one knew.  Well, it was not possible at all.

I was thinking maybe I could hide in the crowd.  I decided to go to the library. Plugged in my music. Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" was playing along.  It had been a while since the last time.  This time I felt the music and the lyrics more.  My mind was wandering. It took me back to the conversation that I had with Ashley about seeing the counselor.  I was kinda hesitated to do so.  I didn't like reveal my problem to others as I always believed that I could fix my problem on my own.  At least all my past experiences could prove me right.  But, I thought this time I finally put down my pride. 

Walked from the chair in the library, my steps were frightened.  It took me a lot of courage to walk to the counseling center by myself.  I saw some people there. They looked happy.  Why were they there?
 
I did not trust student employee; I was glad the receptionist was not. There was a questionnaire regarding the symbols if the patients had.  "Tempting to commit suicide...feeling sad all the time...", these kinds of wording made me crazy.  Why was I doing that? I knew I had to do it. I was mad at myself why I needed to go there.

When I left, I felt shame. I felt disgusting. I could not believe that I failed myself. 

I do not like the one I am now.

After a couple of hours, I got a call from a counselor.  He asked me if I was threatened as I checked the symbol that he concerned the most.  He decided to put me on a higher priority list.

I guess I will face the things I don't want to deal with soon...

Blank

Sometimes I could not stop wondering and asking myself, "Am I crazy!"
I have realized that the way I think, the sight I see the world, the emotion I have, and the way I act around people are not something I can even comprehend anymore.  Since the terrible childhood experience that how my parents were falling apart and how I was put into a place that I did not even want to be, I feel that that wound can never be recovered.
I need to declare that anything I say here is nothing about my religion, I love my religion, every teaching from my religion is true.
Anyway, I used think I could have a new life that can help me to forget everything in the past, of course the feeling as well.  Especially since being here in school, I thought I could handle myself better.  However, it is not true.
My depression is killing me. I am hurted.  I really don't have any motivation to seek for help anymore, which I should I guess.  Trying to take sleeping pill more and more was the thing that could help me for a little bit. But it ended up did not work anymore. Sometimes my mind just told me to take all at once.
I have a lot doubts about people around me.  I have been spending and paying a lot of effort to trust, however, what I get is a lot of disappointment.  I try to blame myself for being able to follow the crowd and be in it.  Why is my mind that strong enough to tell me that I have depressing and I am always standing right between my crying and my laughing.  I wish, I wish I am very weak, weak enough to let me depression take whatever I should do and wherever I should go.
My mind is here and there, up and down. Last months I was very happy about everything, but now at this point, I feel like I just fell off from a cliff and be trapped in a dark valley.  I don't want to have any feeling.
Yes, I do have a lot of thoughts that I wanna end my life. Of course, prayer does help me a lot; no one can understand and be willing to listen to what my heart says.
I am tired of telling others about how I feel; what is the different about to tell or not to tell?
I just don't want to trust anyone anymore. Really, a lot of disappointment!
Perhaps I am very selfish, yeah, I guess I am.  I can't help with it.  I still hope for people can understand me sometimes, perhaps I should not.
My heart is painful. Why should I keep going on!
people you trust the most, they can really hurt you the most.