New Try

I have been bored lately.  Since being here in Rexburg for over a year and a half, it is really the time for me to try new things.  School work is not a challenge to me anymore; I know how to arrange my time to learn and to study.  Social life here is not something new to me anymore; people here just do the same thing, follow the same routine on their connections with others.  I don't enjoy always having conversation only about girls and dating.  Life has so many other things to discuss and to talk about, of course, and to spend time to think about.

I like travelling; I haven't been able to travel a lot though.  I had been in London, Taiwan, some cities in China, Seattle, Texas, L.A., San Diego, haha, of course Utah and Idaho.  I love all these places, if I have a chance, I will for sure go back again. 

Recently I have been thinking about going to London again.  I am not a super fan of tour spot; I like to see but I rather spending time on observing people and things.  Talking to strangers is my favourite thing to do when I travel.  So many stories are behind.  I want to know, I want to explore as many things as I can.  The last time I went to London was about eight years ago.  I worked there for a week.  I remember every night after work, I took the underground to go everywhere near by London.  Walked alone among the crowd of people.  The double decks were classic.  Most of the people there knew how to dress.  The modern city attached with the old style of construction was a good mixed.  The taste there was unique.  I enjoyed so much walking alone there at night.  The rain was a bonus to me, even though I didn't like raining a lot. 

It was eight years ago; my first time on a plane, my first time to be away from home to another country.  There was any word could well describe the excitement I had.  I found myself during those five night.  I loved it.  I realized I was a traveler.  It has been almost ten years since then.  I grew and changed a lot.  I always wonder if I can go there again, how will I feel?  I want to find myself.  There is a good place for me to go again; same place, same person but different attitude.  If I don't go there again, I will never know if I do truly
love that place, where I found myself. 

I should give myself a chance to try again.  It is a new experience for the now me.  At least I know that I am learning how to be the now me under the current circumstance. 

Exit

Just too many things lately; big or small.  A couple of days ago, I told one of buddies, Brooks, a lot of things in my mind.  Just for about 30 minutes, I felt like I had already told him my entire stage of mind of my life.

Since this semester, I came to build up my passion on playing volleyball again. During this period of time, I went through many process: getting hurt, being humble to learn, taking it seriously on every game, being invited to play, and being left out.  I don't wanna go through the details, because it is already enough for me to learn a lesson: it doesn't matter how much effort you make, in reality, if you are not good enough, you will be kicked out. 

If I can find an exit, I will absolutely run away through that door.  I always want to run away, especially I don't want be in the place I am living now.  If I say it out loud, probably someone will just ask me to change the way I think.  Excuse me!  Can you listen to me first before asking me to do more?  Tell you what, people do change a lot, even just within a few weeks, more than you can comprehend.  I need to find that exit in my mind.

I decided to move forward.  I wrote a letter, but for which I haven't sent out.  I don't have any expectation; I just hope that no matter what I am going to do, she will not feel being trouble.  I still need to put some more thoughts in that letter before sending it out.  I don't want if there is any misunderstanding.  It has been too long, my mind began to get exhausted.  The last few times I saw her, she was too distracted, that bothered me.  If I can use a word to describe myself, I will use "nothing"; I am nothing.

The crowd

I just read the blog that I wrote last time; yeah, I need to remember that I want to be the person I used to be. But today, things were droving me crazy!  I hate when I feel like here a place for me to complain, at least this is not really my purpose to write here.

I am a Mormon, but somewhat I just don't fit in the subculture here.  Here are two dating couples, they made  their relationships officially to us very soon.  Suddenly, the people here are like crazy to rush themselves to pick up someone.  This atmosphere does really scare me. WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE GET THE WRONG IDEA FROM THE LEADERS???  Can we be human being rather than animal sometimes? I apologize if this question is too intense; it is how I feel anyway.

People misinterpret the meaning of relationship by their actions here.  People can be in relationship after a conversation.  Barrett once told me that he wants to find someone who is precious.  I agree with it. That is what I am looking for.  I don't buy the culture here.  Please don't expect me to follow.  I respect what they do but it doesn't mean I agree with it.

Perhaps it is something what I need to know, but for sure not what I need to learn.

I love thee, Heavenly Father, whatever thou has given me

I enjoyed of the testimony so much in church today! Most of them were very sincerely; I felt the spirit very strong.  The priesthood lesson was great too.  I felt somehow it was talking to me, which meant I still had a lot I had to make change.

Am I a good person? What do others think of me? Nice, easy going, cool.....these are the words I hear the most from others.  What I see myself are: prideful, short temper, impatient...etc.   I still haven't been able to let myself be.  There is always something holding me back.  Why I can only be a "B+" person? I want "A".

Father in Heaven, do you know how much how I am grateful to get to know you? I am truly blessed to understand you have a plan for me.  Also, thank you for sending thy only begotten son, Jesus Christ, to atone for my sins.  It always seem like I had never got the best thing in my life.  I had never had a good family, never had a true buddy, girls are always shown up at the right timing.  But, Father, I am willing to learn from these kinds of tribulations.  I know there is always something good which I can look for. 

Just please don't leave me alone.  If it is thou will, please lead me to wherever thou wants me to be.
I guess, I don't really want to ask for anything. I mean ANYTHING, from others anymore.  I will try to learn how to change the way I think.  Just love no matter what. Just service no matter what.

Pick up back the one who I used to be.  Shy, quiet, still, silence and lonely.
I really like you, my dream girl, the far away you.  I love you all, my friends; I know I might not be the one you always think of, but you all should know that I am always here to support whenever you need me.