When I Saw Her Again

I was shaking; I was feeling like I could not breathe.

I did not expect that she came and talked to me right away, with her daughter.
It was not the approach I would have thought, especially when the time I was trying to deal with my mind about seeing all the people in church today.

I was not ready to say anything back to her. I was scared. I was somewhat acting cold.
After the entire awkward, at least to me, I felt bad. I did not think anyone around cared that much though. It looked just fine for the entire social setting because I was surrounded by many people.

I was not a gentlemen. I let that moment passed by.

However, I was so regret for the way how I acted. That self-blamed thought was slowly swallowing me, and gradually.

That I began to realize, that wound caused by her has never been healed. It was five years ago.

It was the strangest feeling I have ever had. 

When I saw her face, all the flash back memories was about the time we had in the past.
I thought I was over her, all kinds of feeling, it was not about love, but, literally, the feeling. The bitterness. Or more than that, something which I did not know how to comprehend.


 

It is almost the end!

So sick, I feel so gross!
I cannot even figure out if it is because of my depression or just the fact of going back to Hong Kong that makes me so sick.

People keep asking me about my flight schedule, but I have never been able to give anyone a firm answer.
I do not have any motivation to get my ticket at all.  Many days I could just sit in my apartment, but I still did not choose to spend even just a few minute to look it up.

Last night, I was evaluating the true happy moments in my life. The first thing came to my mind is the two-year mission in Provo, Utah. The second thing was the time I went to school in BYU-Idaho. And then the third thing was my 15 or 16 birthday, it was because it was the only time my family came together and celebrated my birthday in my life. We ate seafood with hot pot style, and no one caused any argument. I still remember my smile when I went to bed that night.

Yeah, I did not have much good time there at home, Hong Kong.
I am scared of going back. I am old, but I have to start over and build up everything again.

I will miss all my friends here in United States like crazy.
I will miss all my moments.
I will miss all my emotions.
I will miss all my feelings.

I am sadly asking myself, "Why do have to always be separated from those I love?"

Robin, we never knew what you were going through at that very moment

A lot of news highlight was about the dead of Robin Williams.

Certainly, he was a great actor, brought us a lot of good memories.

I don't have any special connection with him. However, the depression he might had, is like a sign of reminding me about my sickness.

I want to know what happened during that critical moment, so that I can know how to avoid it.

Please show your affection and love to those who are suffering.

Finally, I start doing something new!

Today, I finally made up my mind and to do something new, which allowed me to freely express whatever in my mind as a baby step.

I am very tired of a lot of things in my life. I want to be free, I want to reach my potential, I want to exercise my creativity, I want equality for everyone, I want this world to be a judgement free place.

I was afraid of not being good enough to draw, even thought I already bought a box of color pastel (hard).
Around two to three weeks later, yes, here I am, I start my first piece tonight.

I did it! I really don't care if others think it is good or not, what matter the most is, I start learning to feel what I feel!

Also, I have been thinking about giving up this blog and start a whole new one!
I want to do something bigger and greater! Probably the theme will be called "Purple Project/Campaign".

No one deserves to be sad! Everyone can be a happy person! And I wanna help!

Monday

Monday is not fun!
It is not fun when you sleep 22 hours on Sunday, then you wake up at about 4 p.m. on Monday morning thinking about if you want to stay all the way to work, or try to fall back in sleep again.

It just happened.

In this 22 hours, I had two main nightmares, one of them was about being back to home.
I was on my bed at home, very hot, I was sweating, looking at the ceiling. I did not feel like I was belonging there at all. That was dark, bitter, and helpless.  No matter how positive I have been trying about going home, it seems like I can never kick these feelings away. They are eating me from inside out. I am not happy.

That was one of the lowest moments. I had so many mixed feelings. So many times I did not know if I was even true to myself. That could be very scary when I did not know if I was lying to myself or if I was telling the truth to myself which I did not even want to hear.

Can it be not that scary?

"Fear is powerful, but faith is stronger!" I heard this on Sunday a week ago. I have fear of my feelings, like how I feel about my life. I do even have doubt on these so-called feeling, faith is even harder to be defined.

Tomorrow is Tuesday......what next......!

Sometimes, I just want to say, "I am not okay! I am not good! I am not alright! I am so scared! Can I not carry on!"

Friends make me smile

Nope, still not being able to live in the present! I don't understand why it seems so hard for me! I have been asking myself what have gone wrong.

Thinking about going back to Hong Kong is the most stressful thing to me at the stage in my life! It is difficult for to see all the things I built up here will be gone in few months. Especially in the last couple weekend, I was able to visit some of my good old friends, I cannot accept the fact that if I am not able to see them again anymore in my life!

I just wish all my friends to know that how much I do care about them! Honestly, my religion does not really teach us much about friendship, everything is based on family. However, my life experience has taught me that friends can just be like family! How sad to say, whenever I was in need of my family, none of them was there! But there was always some special friends I could court on during different time of my life!

Live in the Present again, please!

Not so bad actually! It has only been a month-ish since the last time!
I am happy that I saw my last post! Because I just realized I have not been doing the things the post has mentioned.  
My job is eating my soul!  I don't even enjoy anything at all! If not because of that little bit money that I need,  I am sure I would have quit it. But, the day should come soon! I am just not happy when I go to work in Salt Lake. I feel stressful. I do not see my potential is being even reached.  Yup, the day of quitting will come soon. I will need to organize and plan well before I make a clear decision.

I want to be brave enough to feel what I feel, to admit what I feel, and to enjoy what I feel. It is a way on being joyful and happy.

I picked my scripture tonight and had a journal with me to record the thought I learned for myself. I started from the beginning. It was always refreshing whenever I read with my heart. I don't have any strength to change anything; I truly decided to turn myself to the Lord, and let Him to guide me to the way I should go, I know He will do that for me, as long as I keep the commandments.

Last Friday I went to the sealing session of my buddy Robert and his wife Aubrey. During the entire event, there were only one girl and I who did not have any family relationship. I went toward her and briefly introduce myself. Her name was Heidi. She served a mission in Philippine and she graduated from BYU-Idaho, she played frisbee. And yes, she seem very cool. Before she had to go, she said,"Well, I guess I will......see you......again!?" Within the two seconds after, they were actually like the entire two minutes to me because I was thinking if I wanted to ask for her number. Anyway, when that moment was over, I decided to ask for her number and mentioned that I would like to do something with her.

However, I did not have my phone with me because I left it in my car before I entered into the Temple.  And, I did not have a pen with me. She offered to just call my phone so that my phone would have a miss call showing her number.  After she left and the whole event was almost done, I went back to my car. When I opened the door, I saw my cell phone. It was turned off. I even turned it off.

But, I will still ask for her number on facebook and hopefully I can do something with her sometime soon to get know who she really is.

I just need to keep doing something, forget about my concern about going back home. And, live my life.

"Live in the Present"

No matter if we are religious or not, most of us have heard the quote "Learn from the past, live in the present, plan for the future". I thought I had been doing really good with that. At least, it is what I like to tell people when they are having trial in their live.

However, three days ago, I finally awoke from the darkness.. There is a huge mistake I have been making all these years. I always learn from the past, and I always plan for the future, but I cannot believe that, I have not been really living in the present. This makes me not going anywhere further.

I was always wandering in my life. I focused too much on the worries. I did not know how to let something go. I did not love myself enough. I was not enjoying life as the way I should have been.

I guess, it is time! It is time to truly live in the present! So that I will not let my past to block my way, and I will have even better and brighter future!

2014

2013 is over! Now is 2014! The last time I wrote my blog was in May 2013, before my graduation!
For sure, the one of the biggest things in 2013, as well as in my life, is my college graduation! None of any of my family with last name Tang had gone to the college; I am the only one! Sometimes I could not believe that was really happened! I know that I have the ability, but sometimes I am not given the opportunity for a lot of things!

At this point in my life, I live in a room in the basement of a house. Finally I got my own private place for which I do not have to share with other people. It is the first step to prepare some thing great will be happened next.

I needed this place so badly. This room is not any fancy, but this is "my" place where I can develop my own way to live, my own way to think! It can be be really lonely sometimes as I am so used to the busy life style when I was in college, hanged out with friends and played sport everyday and night. I don't have that type of lifestyles anymore. Instead, I am having two part-time jobs.

I am happy for having jobs because they provide my income. I enjoy them because I see them as a blessing that allows me to make money, better those who does not even have a job. But I do not really like them deeply in my heart. But they are just something I have done it years before.
I want to do something which is more related to what I studied. Public Relations, Event Management, PR Marketing, Social Media, Entertainment Industry...etc.

Free, I am not that free to be a dreamer. Serious, I am not that serious to be a real man.

But I still need to, want to, do something big in my life.

After watching the movie "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty", the desire of doing something big, doing something crazy, are pumped up! Life is truly too short for not being able to enjoy the true connection of my soul to the world!

I believer the time and the life I have at the time are preparing for the next step!

I guess I really do not have any resolution for this year, but if one thing, I really want to be truth to what I want to pursue, especially in this year, a critical time that might be my last chance to be living in a place where I can enjoy myself and love from my friends on this land!