Happy New Year!

I can't believe that it has been a year!
No complaint, last year was just right to me! So many life long experiences I gained! So many wonderful people I met! Last year was a completed year that I spent my time entirely in the U.S.  I guess I began to love this place already; I grew a lot, because the freedom of my mind that I gave to myself!

New Year Eve was quiet.  I never thought about just being alone in the house.  I didn't feel lonely though.  Instead, I was able to say a prayer out loud on my own, that I could truly counsel with the Lord for all my
doings.

All the plans were called off.  But I figured out what I wanted the most.  There was all about future in my mind at that new year moment.  Now, I know that I am ready to move on; I am ready to give up my personal will for the one who means to be with me for the rest of my life.  I am ready to learn, I am ready to grow, I am willing to love. 

I have new year resolutions; perhaps I should say something I should do.  I hope people will not be concern about me too much.  You all will find out if my next few months are worth for me to spend.  I will give myself an answer in the next few months. 

New year, a new opportunity again that we can be care about those again.  Trust me, I will not let it go again! Be happy, be free to yourself ( of course in the right way)! Be smart, if you can :)

P.S. I really wish I could say Happy New Year to you, and spend that moment with you!

Silent Night

Not only silent, but a very peaceful night!
I did not do so much! I was not able to do the things I planned last night!  Instead, Brady and I ate out; he told me what was going on with him in the last couple of months.  I was sad when I heard about all the details. He is a great guy with a good heart; he did not deserve what had happened on him! 
He is right; we want to find someone that can make us feel like a superman!

No matter what had happened in this Christmas eve, it was still a very special evening! I enjoyed the spirit!
I really wanted to sing for you in this special day, even though I could just barely talk!
If I really say Merry Christmas to you, will you smile at me?
I really wanted to give you the gift by myself, even though my hand is not long enough to reach out the distance between us.
If I really tell you how I feel again, will you think differently?

Anyway, Merry Christmas to the special one in my life!
Hope you can feel the peace all the time!

Christmas is coming!!!

Thanksgiving...and then now Christmas is coming!
I feel like being home for so long already!  No wonder my instinct leads me to find family here around me!
I love all my friends; they are just like family to me!
They help me to become a better person!
They are my examples!

During the Christmas holiday, they celebrate with their families.  I am blessed that I am always invited; but  I am also worried as I don't like to take away their family time.  It is a psychological challenge for me every year.  Nevertheless, my friends always comfort me!

I am very excited for this Christmas break because I have done so much on school work this semester; I feel good to have a long break again.  Also, new year holiday! I can't wait to see her; it sounds strange to say but I really miss her!

Others just don't understand why I like her that much! I just feel the connection; she is the one I am willing to share with what in my mind and heart; I trust her!  And she is the one who can make me to have the courage to think about future!

Christmas Preview

Hot cocoa, Christmas music, and the snow were the beginning of my date today!  It was one of the best morning ever so far in this semester! 

Last night, I slept over in the other apartment, hanged out with Joseph and Treavor; we became friends to each other in this semester.  We talked until almost three in the morning!  It was really fun!  Especially our conversation wasn't shallow at all, that was what I like the most.

That prepared a good morning for me, and then went on with the hot cocoa, Christmas music, and the snow!
Study wasn't effective at all, I still felt good about myself as I achieved a lot things this week already!  Well, I was distracted anyway;  Emily and Tze Man were driving up here in Idaho for a wedding reception.  After the reception, they picked Jimmy and me up in Rexburg and then we went to the Big Jud's.

Jimmy did great! He was able to finish the big crazy burger! It took him a while though!  I guess we did have a fun time altogether!  I was so glad that Jimmy eventually was able to meet with Emily!  However, it was too long for me, to see her again since the trip to California together!  And also, it had been too long to see Tze Man again!  She is even more mature now! It was a good lunch anyway as it seemed like we never hanged out as group together!

I really had a good mood today!  Only one thing that sounded kinda sad as I told Joseph tonight that I probably will never deserve the girl I like very much!  Again, if the girl I like is willing to give a try with me, I am willing to sacrifice my pride about all the things I feel I should do by myself!

Anyway, I feel the Christmas already! All the things I had today was like a preview of Christmas! Good friends, good view, and good food! The coldness of course was a great decoration as well!  Most importantly, I feel hope and I feel the light in front of me!

Wandering

Well, I just realised it has been a while; two months.  School life is great, what can I say! I made many great friends again this semester; it wasn't something what I expected. 

I planned on focusing on school work alone; I wanted to put aside my social life here in school.  It turned out that I met so many awesome people.  Sometimes I wonder: how can this person can be just that great?  There is a lot I can learn from them.  It is a huge motivation that I want to serve them in different ways.

One of things I help out others, especially for those in my ward, a lot by being a match maker.  Of course I am not like those who find wifes and hushands for others!  Everyone deserve the opportunities of going on dates! I am just helping a little bit to set people up together! It may still sounds chessy! However, some people really needs this kind of helps!

Some people asked me, "Hey, Denis! So how about yourself?"  I don't really think of myself too much! "What can we do for you?" They asked.  I don't even know how they can help me!  I went on a few dates already so far in this semester. They were fun!  My friends always like to set me up!

A couple of night ago, we had a big group date together.  It was about 18 people! It was really fun! Probably one of the best group dates I have ever had!  The girl I went out with is a friend of my buddy! She is cool, very nice! She is a returned missionary! My buddy knows me well; he remembers that I hope my girlfriend/wife is a returned missionary.  I wanted to get to know her more.  However, there were too many people.  It was very difficult to avoid some distractions.  But I couldn't blame on it anyway.  When I looked at and talked to my date, I thought of another girl!  My mind was wandering here and there!

Isn't it sad? When I help people, but I can't even help myself! I don't want to get over her! I am hoping for hope!  Sometimes I wish I could have a car to drive for four hours and then tell her again I really care about and like her! Tell her that I would like to spend some time together to do stuff to get to know each other more! But it seems like there is never a right timing for anything! Have we ever been friends? I doubt it! Since day one we know each other, I don't think "friend" was a right word for us.  I don't where are we at?
I am wandering again on this never end path!

A very spiritual moment

Just had a very spiritual experience that I had never ever expected it to be happened at least until the next 20 years!

The past couple of week is not easy to live; I had been trying so hard to put away my personal feeling; instead, I put serving others way over myself. It did take me a lot of energy and strength to carry on, however, it turned out that I received one of the greatest trusts from our Father in Heaven!

Thank you so much, Elder Robert Field!

To do His work

What a beautiful morning! Summer in Utah is not as hot as in Hong Kong; it is still a little bit cold to me  before the sun comes up. Perhaps I didn't sleep that much last night, it made me feel even colder. But I enjoyed of it especially I was on my way to the Temple with Robert.

Last night we talked about my confusion on my future; he did remind me of being happy for whatever I am going to do! I need that advice, always! I had been thinking a lot about this until I arrived at the Temple. I chose to rely on the Lord to help me with this.

I know my purpose of this trip with exactness. When you are prompted by the Holy Spirit, there is no way you can deny! The letters A-L-M-A, and the numbers 7, 23, 24 popped in my head in my prayer. These aren't the scriptures I am familiar with; my mind tried to think of Alma 7: 11 - 13. It didn't work; I didn't feel right. "Alma 7:23-24" appeared again in my mind; I felt very good about that. What a powerful and amazing instruction to me this morning!

"And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works." (Alma 7:24)

Good works are His works. To do His work is something I know should focus on all the time.

What is mine?

I want to have something that is really belonging to mine.

During the last few years, I spent my money on buying something I had never had before: a digital camera, a laptop...etc. I treasure that I could afford to buy. I don't have parent to give me money to buy things; I work very hard and smart though. Can I buy a family? a girlfriend? a younger brother? a friend? a wife? I know the answer, of course.

Those are given; those are involved choices; those can't be controlled; those can't be asked for.

I had stayed with many families; seeing how others live in their daily life is one of my favourite things to do, as I learn a lot and they don't even realize. Being in their life leads me to think about the life I want to have. They all have their own moment interacting with their family members, talking with their neighbours and turning off the television. Countless anyway!

I want to have my moments other than using my camera to capture the moments of others. I want to have my moments. I need to settle but there is no place for me to go. Because I still haven't let myself go.

The new me

This morning after I woke up from my extreme tiredness as I went swimming yesterday, I checked my facebook. There is another friend on facebook asked me again when I will go back to Hong Kong.

My typically answer, "Probably in another year or two." I don't know. I guess it doesn't depend on how soon I will  graduate, instead, where I do want to go. On the other hand, last night I had to deal with a thing which I feel like I don't know how to comprehend anymore. I left a big city, Hong Kong, for too long. Not only physically, but also mentally. I used to deal with a lot of complicated things very often. Now, I just don't like it, I just don't know how to deal with. It seems like my friends back home will never be able to understand. The more I explorer myself these days, the longer distance I find among us.

I have always been observing myself; it is really hard to play hide and seat with myself. Hanging out with Robert leads me to see things differently. I come to see the things from their origins. The pure relationship and simple connection among each of us. I even come to understand more about my nature.

"Mommm! I'm very hungry!" Robert said to his mother, when he was waiting his mother to finish fixing dinner. Probably I will never forget that look he showed and that voice he sounded in the rest of my life. In college, Robert always took care of his older brother, Brady, and his roommates by fixing them lunch and dinners. It's not only about the role we play from time to time, but the nature that we suppose to have, or who we are supposed to be. Playing a role is far different from living in our own nature.

I feel that the searching of myself game is one step closer to the end. I don't know how many steps are still ahead. This step is a big change to me.

I wish I have a younger brother

This is my second day staying in the Field's house. I am here because Brady and Robert are my friends. I know them while in school during the Spring semester. They were my neighbour. I did spend time with them more than with my roommates. Why? Just because I don't like drama.

Brady and I talked quite a lot about stuff as we were dealing with some similar things about girl. We opened to each other; as a matter of fact, for those around him, I feel like I am one of those who is willing to understand his situation; I supported him whatever he felt right even though the whole world might be against him. I wish I have a younger brother who is willing to share his thoughts with me. He is very talkative though. He is that kind of person that even I don't exactly understand what he says, whenever he talks, I will just laugh. Maybe it is called a character. I think he is more than that. I found one thing that we are alike, we think a lot.

Robert, he knows the things about my past more than anyone in school. We were home teaching companions; we did well! Very well! At least I have never done that well before! He got his mission call in the beginning of the semester; he is going to serve in the Taiwan Taipei Mission. Probably these became the connection between us. Getting to know him is a challenging task. He doesn't talk too much; he talks when he feels comfortable. Humble and athletic are those words related to him. He reminds me of a person; a person who is related to me in a family prospective but I doubt if whom I will have a chance to see again. Well, just named him Max here then in case I need to mention him again.

For sure I am not humble and I am not that athletic, but I still see myself from the way how Robert acts with others. And of course, I can imagine when the time I will see Max again, it will be just like how I communicate with Robert. I even come to understand more why God blesses me with a gift that I can know how to treasure the people I meet in my life. I trust Robert like a younger brother to me. I enjoy of doing things with him. It seems like God wants me to learn more about myself thought this friend - a younger brother.

Lost of word

Sometimes I think, "do I really know how to write?" Because of the major I study, there is so easy for me to get frustrated from my writing skill as I feel like I will never qualify to be a good PR writer. Of course, do I really care about being a good PR writer? I can honestly said that it is not my passion, but I will do it if I need to! What I care about the most is to express myself on my own way; to express is a process, I enjoy of being in this process! Then I think I know how to write! As writing is a process!

Perhaps I don't how to well express my feeling! It has been bugging me for a while! Gladly since the summer break, I have been very busy on hanging out with friends! I did make a lot of great friends in the Spring semester. It is very sad because some of them probably I will not see them again until next spring and in two years! So then it allows me to not entirely think of her all the time!

It is hard! I began to jealous of my friend because of her! When I plan my next steps, I think of her! Every of my friend knows how much she means to me; I did once tell her though.  Being simple on everything is something what I have been trying to do. I don't know why but I feel that things are getting a little more complicated than I expected.

I still want to know what God wants me to be? It doesn't mean I will ask Him. Mostly I ask Him if the things I choose to do is His will.  That's why I decided to tell her how I feel about her. I didn't have any expectation about any of her response. I felt that I needed to tell her. Just because I really meant it. Since then, I don't know any words to talk to her. She is observing herself; she has been seeing the world again; she has been feeling the world again with her new emotions. I don't want to interrupt her. She really deserves the true one.

Of course I want to be that one; I do have a plan for the future steps if she is willing to try to walk with me.  Helping people, bringing  forward good message and inspiring others in different places on this earth is my future, I want her to be a part of it. But for the time being, these are not the words I can, or I should say; I come to lose my word again.

Another end

This spring semester is almost over; seven more days! Everyday is running faster and faster, but the rate I am trying to figure out myself is still the same. I feel like I am losing time!

I made a lot of good friends! I also gain a better idea on how to recognize a good friend! After sharing every single thing in details happened on me in this year with my friend, Eric, he commented me that my mind and my emotional status are always different, very fluctuated. It doesn't surprise me when I hear it. Just a kind of personalities though. I know that I am still observing my characteristic; when will be the end?

Does it sound depressed? No, not at all. It's about life! Some of us have to go through something which allow us to be the person we suppose to be. When the end is coming, be ready to take a break! After each break, another new journey that will need your personality and your attitude to move on; new people and new things!

Looking for my passion

What is my passion? I have been thinking about my passion since the media law class this morning. I have been trying not to cease to think anything! I like travelling; I like to perform; I like to act; I like to deal with people; I like to create; I like movies; I like to feel the world; I like to help people; I like to make peace; I like fashion; I like to express feeling...etc.
Still, the question is: what do I like? I just registered all my classes for the Fall semester 2010; I still don't know exactly what I want to study. When the time I came here to BYU Idaho, I was debating myself if Business is the right major for me. But I chose Communications. I feel that I chose the right direction and area, but then I didn't know what to choose between Advertising and Public Relation. But absolutely I know I like to have my career related to event management. It will be great if it is related the the film industry.

The teacher shared his insight with us about passion. He encouraged us find something to do, which we have passion on. And keep it going in the rest of our life. If we do so, we will have better understand what life is about!

I wish I have even more courage to get further away from my comfort zone; give myself a chance to try the things I like even if they seems risky!

You will never know Him unless you are willing to act upon it

I have been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for nine years since I was baptized on July 8, 2001! I would have never imagined all the blessings coming along in my life since that day when the sister missionary talked to me. I am thankful for all the missionaries who have taught me! They were the servant of God! They showed me how I can look for the truth, the happiness and the purpose in this life! I did pray to know for the truth of the Book of Mormon; the Holy Ghost did testify to me that our Father in Heaven and His beloved son, Jesus Christ, had appeared in front of Joseph Smith to answer his faithful prayer. He was called as the first latter-days prophet and to restore the church of Jesus Christ on this earth. I know that Jesus is the Christ; He did choose to descend from Heaven to sacrifice His life and atone for our sins. His love is kept extending to us through His servant, the living prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, today!


I testify that all these things are true! I would have never known if I didn’t open my heart to pray for all these things! No one would have ever expected that inadequate man I used to be nine years ago has became the person I am today, that I can solemnly testify all the things here. But I know that God knew it. I am his Child. He helps me to learn and to grow in my life; he blessed me to be a missionary; he blesses me to receive education in BYU Idaho; he blesses me to have challenges and tribulations so then I can become stronger!

I invite each of you to keep being willing to live in and act upon the teaching of the restored gospel. It may not be easy, but I can promise you with my life that if you do so, you will be blessed by truly knowing that you are a child of God. Amen.

Celebration of the 4th of July

I think I don't really like Rexburg that much! My roommate, Jimmy, has always been very nice to me since the first day we know each other. He invited me to celebrate the 4th of July with his family this year! It was a very good excuse for me to get away from Rexburg! As a matter of fact, I did have a great time in Idaho Falls! His family is so funny! We did a lot of things together! Parade, big lunch, BBQ, firework...etc! For some reasons, I don't know exactly why, but I miss Hong Kong! I want to go back and hang out with my friends! I have never been that "trunky" since being here! Not even during the Christmas, and not even the Chinese New Year time. By the way, I am not really a big fan of Chinese New Year.

I really have a good feeling about the 4th of July even though I don't know the history much. Perhaps I do have love on the people of this country. I served my two years mission in this country though! Sometimes I ask myself, "what happened if this world has only one nationality?" I don't think I will ever receive any answer. But I know that, we are all the same to God as we are His children! He loves each of us!

An appointed place

One thing did really catch my attention in church this morning is a very simple lesson given by my friend's father in Primary.  He shared a quote from President Thomas S. Monson about standing in our appointed place.

This led me to think a lot; I had stopped thinking about where I am belonging to for a while until this morning! Of course, I enjoyed of being anywhere; I always know how to suit myself in a new place. But at the meantime, I realize I am somewhat not good at dealing with others.  In the last couple of weeks, my emotional status was flowing up and down like a roller coaster. Friends and girls sometimes seemed real to me, but sometimes not! When I thought I made brunch of really new good friends, but they didn't feel the same way! When I thought that I was ready to move on, but I wasn't accept!

However, I am glad for the message I have received this morning about an appointed place. I already learned and tried to make all my effort for the good; even though it seems like it doesn't fit my style and attitude towards dealing with others, I have no regret for all the things I have done and I have said so far since this year. Perhaps it is about the time I should go back to my appointed place, where is not about a geographic location, but more like a stage of mind! Like my plan which I should spend the rest of my life in Scotland!

Decision

I just made a decision to try to forget.  I did learn the way to avoid thing which bothers me, I guess it is because of my pride.

A decision can lead to happiness and sadness at the same time to different people.  This time I am the one who is suffering. I am the one who is sad.
This decision had been made with the sacrifice of love bewteen two people, for which love is not about the romance love, but the love with years of laugh, teardrop and word.
When this decision couldn't satisfy both of us; she can move on without leaving anything behind. But I can't.

I just made a decision to try to forget because I need to find way to move on and find place to stay.
I just made a decision to try not to look back. Still, there is too much behind.
No one cares, but I do.
But who cares if I do?

I just need to make a decision, but not being decided anymore.

A true Disneyland

Many people like to have revolution during the new year time in order to make some good changes throughout the year. One of mine in this year is really nothing to do with revolution, but it is more like a wish, I hope my friend Blueberry and Asian can come to Utah at the end of this year. It will be great if they can see the return missionaries here in Utah, their kids and their life. At least, I hope they can also enjoy of the happiness I have when the time I am here. It will be a wonderful experience for them.

Richard and I talked about that a week ago. Richard, known as Elder Taylor, served in Hong Kong several years ago, a great friend of mine. I am staying in his house now during my new year break. He knows Blueberry and Asian when he just arrived Hong Kong as they were just baptized. Richard is very excited for their coming. He told his wife, Emilee, how much he wants them to stay in the house. Then I encourage Blueberry and Asian to shop no more in order to save up the money for the flight tickets. It is such a happy goal!

Richard and Emilee have a plan that they want to go to Disneyland with their kids this year. I am sure this must be fun to go as a family! There should not be anything can replace this happiness!

A couple of days after the conversation I had with Richard, he told me about how Emilee thought about the whole idea of the visit from Blueberry and Asian. Emilee suggested to postpone the trip to Disneyland in order to use the money to re-model the basement for an extra bathroom so then Blueberry and Asian can have a better place to stay. She wants to do it because she realizes Blueberry and Asian have to sacrifice to come here. I was touched when I heard it.

What a great lesson I learn from them; the true happiness is not necessary found in Disneyland, but we all can create our own by doing good for others.

Never too late

Since I came to Provo to hang out with my friends from my mission, I was also able to spend time walking alone in the area I served while my friends were in class.

There is an old couple, the Anderson, living in the Grandview area. I always felt bad because I didn't stay in touch with them after my mission. I was very lazy as I didn't like writing letter, but it is the only way I can contact with them; e-mail is too new to them. I had been thinking about them a lot in the last few months especially since I came to Idaho. Eventually, I had the opportunity to do it today. I woke up in a hotel; I wanted to find a computer with Internet access to look for the address of them. But I ought to remember I am in Utah; I can't get whatever I want handy. I did test myself, I tested my how much I believe in the mission spirit I still have. I just followed the feeling to the direction and walked.

I was excited to see the convenient store Seven Eleven because I remember I liked to buy the chicken wings there for lunch. But this time, I bought two burritos. The taste was different from the wings but the similar feeling. I kept walking. I wanted to say "hi" to the people like what I did. There was a little bit sadness in my heart, I can't do the things I used to do anymore. I kept walking and thinking, to think of the feeling I used to have. Eventually, I faced an intersection. I stopped and wondered which direction I should go. I closed my eyes for a few second then I decided to turn life with all my confidence. I kept walking and passed by two houses. That is the one. There is a decoration with their name "Johnny and Arlene Anderson" on the door.

They remember me. They remember my name, Elder Tang. There will never be any better feeling than being called Elder Tang. Sister Anderson told me the things I don't even remember. Several minutes later, a member of the ward came by. She was there because she needed to interview the Anderson about the things happened in the last six months. It seemed like I was there the right time to hear the story. Several minutes later, I wished that story was never happened. Brother Anderson was suffered from a serious illness in the last six months since he fell over. He had few surgeries. Sister Anderson was told many times from the doctors that he didn't much time left. She was asked if she had "any plan" for him. She did; but the plan meant to her was not to give up. Many prayers and fasts, Brother Anderson broke the words of the doctors, he is able to live. It is a miracles. I can't never believe that it did happen when he opened the door for me. But it happened.

I was so glad for this visit. I understand why I kept thinking of them that much in the last few months.

I am glad that I was not too late.